Magnetic Pages Article | 1992-09-02 | 7KB | 49 lines
MPARTICLE
# MY HOLIDAY, by Y.L.H.G.A.H.O.M.M.
"Didn't your teachers, when you got%back to school after the summer break#always want you to write about your"bloody holidays. Well, maybe yours"didn't, but mine certainly did (at$junior school, at least). Here is my$piece, which isn't all that boring. ! This summer I went to the Orkney%islands (up the top of Scotland) with
my Daddy. We set off early one#Friday morning, and got on with the$ten hour drive all the way up to the!north coast of Scotland (Aaaagh !"absolute hell !!!) My Daddy had to"stop every quarter of an hour do a#piss in the grass verge by the side"of the road. This annoyed me, as I"can control my urination perfectly%(dead on 8 o'clock each morning and 4%o'clock each evening, in case you are!interested) I ate half a pound of#liquorice allsorts, half a pound of!Wurthers Originals (Which are the$most gorgeous sweets ever !! - quick"hint, the way to YLHGAHOMM's heart
is through feeding him Wurthers originals), and a Tangle-Twister
(gorgeous). We got to the ferry%terminal at Scrabster on time, got on
the boat etc, etc, had a nice$maritime style dinner of haddock and%chips, and upon the finish of the two!hour ferry crossing, we drove the%short drive to our holiday home, by a
beach near to the main town,!Kirkwall. I talked with my Daddy,%Aunty and Uncle who live next door to
us there. " Since the holiday lasted the best%part of a fortnight, It would be more#interesting if I was to just recall
the interesting bits. This is a$problem, as Orkney is a nice, windy,"rainy, often cold, peaceful place,#where nothing exciting happens. You!basically do the same things each!day, wake up, walk into town, buy
some sweets, play with your"nine-year-old cousin Tom (well, of#course not everybody does that, but!I did), go for a walk, drink beer"and/or wine and watch the football%(as the World Cup was on at the time)" Isn't it great that that cheating$bastard Maradona got banned for drug
taking.#Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha !!%And wasn't it great that the cheating$Argentinians were beaten by Rumania, and the diving, smelly, cheating!Germans were humbled by Bulgaria,
that's what I like to see !! $ Anyway, on the first full day of my%holiday, I fell ill with some mystery
bug (or something), thus I was
asleep while everybody else was
enjoying themselves having a"barbecue. I think the bug may have$had something to do with the haddock"and chips that I ate on the ferry.$There was something distinctly fishy
about the taste of that. (DOH!
-P.V.F.C.) By the next morning$though, I had recovered sufficiently
to go and have a quick round of golf on the putting greens in%town. I can now conclude that golf is%a stupid game. The balls never bloody"go where you want them to, and the"red faced man always shouts at you$when you scratch a tiny little divot$out of his grass. And your nine year
old cousin always beats you
(boo-hoo, its just not fair) # It is interesting to note what the
average teenager is wearing in#Orkney. Th is year, it seemed as if!the shell-suit had caught on, and
thus you couldn't walk down the$street without hearing the rustle of
hundreds of teenage Orcadians%struttin' their funky stuff along the street. Civilisation has reached!Orkney, because there is a fairly
large$Woolworths in town, which has a fair$stock of chart music. Unfortunately,!they specialise in mixing all the%rest of the albums with a hefty stock"of country and western hits, so it%took ages to find Nirvana, because it#was between 'Nicky McGinnis and the"Saddlers', and 'Norma Jean Gregory"plays guitar classics'. In the end$though, they didn't have the album I%wanted anyway. Never mind, they had 2$Unlimited's new album (Which the Ed.#likes). A daily pursuit I tended to!adopt was going into town daily,
(Daily pursuits do tend to take%place on a daily basis. -P.V.F.C.) to%see if there was anything interesting$in Woolies music clearance. This was pointless, as it seems they only$change their stock every five years,"not, as I hoped, daily. At the end$of the first week of the holiday, my"Mummy and Brother arrived (And no,$they hadn't set off at the same time!as us), and on the Tuesday we all%went off with my uncle and cousin for a day trip on one of the islands#(called Hoy, if you`re passionately$interested) on the ferry there, this#girl started making eyes at me, and
although I tried to look
uninterested, she proceeded in%shuffling seat by seat over to sit by
me. She offered me a liquorice$allsort, and even though I suspected
I had felt sick the week before
because
of over-indulgence of liquorice#allsorts, I took a yellow coconutty!one, and continued to try to look!uninterested (come on, if a bloke
cannot 'play hard to get' on a%short-sea crossing, what can he do ?)#Sorry, that was irrelevant. Anyway,%after a short, embarrassed silence, I
smiled at her, and we exchanged#glances. It is somewhat a pity that
we"didn't exchange addresses, chewing%gum, or tongues. After we got off the"boat I never saw her again. (Never!mind, she is probably called Edna$Bott, and she is left forward in her%school hockey team in Exeter). Anyway
my parents spent the whole day drinking in a bar on the island,
while me, my brother, uncle and
cousin walked the length of the%island in the mist and rain. The last"day came, and I washed my hair for"the first time in a fortnight, and%god, was it dirty. I won a game of 'I%spy', because I stumped everyone with#the word 'precipitation'. I watched$Italy's scandalous wins in the World
Cup against Nigeria, Spain and!Bulgaria. (The flukey bastards!!) Eventually it was time to go. We
went.
- Y.L.H.G.A.H.O.M.M.
"(You never cease to amaze me. When
you`re at school I can hardly %manage to stop you going on about how you haven`t got a girlfriend and%nobody finds you attractive, yet when you get chatted up by a girl on #the way home you ignore her. I find"you compleately incomprehensible. "If you`re looking to get back with"Laura Bainbridge then I really do "suggest you forget it. She`s going#out with Mark Brown now (as if you "didn`t already know) and they seem#quite attached, even though he`s no$good for her and he can`t get it up.
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